Thursday, August 18, 2011

Wanted and needed changes.

First some words of wisdom from Calypso:


dude, he is not going to back out, stop being so negative, he can sense that, u need to call him up and invite him to a small meal, tapas or something in ur neighborhood..
 
not a big deal, no bells or whistles needed...u need to talk ur self up and know that u are confident and know that he wants u, not u wanting him 
 
The Change:
It’s been a while, because let’s be honest, a virgin my age doesn’t get a lot of action.  Oh yes, it has definitely been a while….
 
On my 29th birthday I made a decision, for better or worse, this is the last year I am going to be a powerful parthenoi.
 
I used my virginity as a character building exercise, and a way to get into the mindset of what it is like to be a virgin out in our society today.  Now, I know.  I am ready for something else, and to explore the different aspects there are of human interaction. 
 
Last week, an old friend came into town.  She has always been my virginity mentor/sympathizer.  At 32 she is still a virgin, and confesses to not understand ‘how things work down there’.  Like me, she doesn’t like the idea of having to be ‘penetrated’ as it were. 
 
The Ancient Greeks have a concept about the body, the outside of the skin is profane, and dirty, but the inside is mysterious and sacred.  This is why virginity in females was so coveted and honored in their religious beliefs. 
 
Artemis and I have issues with things piercing our bodies.  I find it very nice to not deal with having to be penetrated, and communicating and relating on a more profane level, rather than bringing in the sacredness of intercourse.  I suppose I am ready for the sacred acts which most mortals participate, and I am ready to find myself in a compromising position, as it were. 
 
 
Last night I had a chat with two fellow virgin women, one 28 the other 33, the 33 year old happens to be my sister.  If we were in ancient Rome we could be honored Vestal Virgins, but in other periods we would be considered the dreaded “spinster”.  My sister refuses to allow me a cat for this specific reason though she cites imaginary allergies.  The conversation was about how they had achieved a sort of peace about their situations, and how they have accepted it.  At their core they are ready to just let the world bring what it may.  I love this concept, and I love this idea, I have had these exact same feelings since I was 8 years old. 
 
The world is what it is, and my life is full, happy, adventurous and exciting.  It was on my 29th birthday that my feelings changed.  I love my life, I love who I am, a unique, beautiful and intelligent yet kind of bat-shit crazy woman.  What has started to bother me is the lack of knowledge.  My life goal is to be smart, wise and experienced.  So this is a part where I may be smart and a bit wise and experienced, but I want to explore it more, and I do not want to be ashamed of that.
 
I want to be more confident, and I will not be until I understand this part of humanity better, or at least, it couldn’t hurt.  This is a part of my continuing education, and I need to approach it as such, now my goal is to find a teacher or tutor who can help with my education. 
 
So, here are some of my experiences so far:
 
 Hephaistos:
Let it be known that full time school and work at the same time SUCKS. It made me edgy, crazy, and anxious.  I did it with flying colors, but DAMN. My first semester in school there was one boy in our class (eligible one that is), he would sit in the corner trying desperately to be quiet and invisible, but get so frustrated he would get up and dominate the class discussion each time.  Smart and nerdy, I was definitely intrigued.  After two more quarters I finally started to chat with him on facebook, and eventually asked him to coffee. (I am going to add in lots of my process and steps so you know exactly how not to date)
 
Our first meeting for coffee was a bit ridiculous.  We got so lost in conversation that the shop closed while we were in it and they had to kick us out.  Basically, at our first real encounter, I knew I really liked him, he’s sweet, funny, and we have a ton in common.  However, I immediately noticed that I was incredibly not attracted to him.  At all.  It was sad, here is a perfectly amazing man, and I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry.  Let’s all remember here, I am not looking for someone to marry, I am looking for someone to teach me the ways of a gorgeous sexual history. 
 
As of right now, four months later, we are still casually dating; twice I’ve let him put his arm around me.  I know, I’m pathetic.  He’s awesome, but he’s not for me.  I don’t want to hurt him, but he isn’t enough for me at the moment, and I am still looking around at the scenery for some kind of spark. 
 
More to come later.  Hephaistos is out of town for a few weeks, so we will see what kind of trouble I can get myself into.