Wanted and needed changes.

First some words of wisdom from Calypso:


dude, he is not going to back out, stop being so negative, he can sense that, u need to call him up and invite him to a small meal, tapas or something in ur neighborhood..
 
not a big deal, no bells or whistles needed...u need to talk ur self up and know that u are confident and know that he wants u, not u wanting him 
 
The Change:
It’s been a while, because let’s be honest, a virgin my age doesn’t get a lot of action.  Oh yes, it has definitely been a while….
 
On my 29th birthday I made a decision, for better or worse, this is the last year I am going to be a powerful parthenoi.
 
I used my virginity as a character building exercise, and a way to get into the mindset of what it is like to be a virgin out in our society today.  Now, I know.  I am ready for something else, and to explore the different aspects there are of human interaction. 
 
Last week, an old friend came into town.  She has always been my virginity mentor/sympathizer.  At 32 she is still a virgin, and confesses to not understand ‘how things work down there’.  Like me, she doesn’t like the idea of having to be ‘penetrated’ as it were. 
 
The Ancient Greeks have a concept about the body, the outside of the skin is profane, and dirty, but the inside is mysterious and sacred.  This is why virginity in females was so coveted and honored in their religious beliefs. 
 
Artemis and I have issues with things piercing our bodies.  I find it very nice to not deal with having to be penetrated, and communicating and relating on a more profane level, rather than bringing in the sacredness of intercourse.  I suppose I am ready for the sacred acts which most mortals participate, and I am ready to find myself in a compromising position, as it were. 
 
 
Last night I had a chat with two fellow virgin women, one 28 the other 33, the 33 year old happens to be my sister.  If we were in ancient Rome we could be honored Vestal Virgins, but in other periods we would be considered the dreaded “spinster”.  My sister refuses to allow me a cat for this specific reason though she cites imaginary allergies.  The conversation was about how they had achieved a sort of peace about their situations, and how they have accepted it.  At their core they are ready to just let the world bring what it may.  I love this concept, and I love this idea, I have had these exact same feelings since I was 8 years old. 
 
The world is what it is, and my life is full, happy, adventurous and exciting.  It was on my 29th birthday that my feelings changed.  I love my life, I love who I am, a unique, beautiful and intelligent yet kind of bat-shit crazy woman.  What has started to bother me is the lack of knowledge.  My life goal is to be smart, wise and experienced.  So this is a part where I may be smart and a bit wise and experienced, but I want to explore it more, and I do not want to be ashamed of that.
 
I want to be more confident, and I will not be until I understand this part of humanity better, or at least, it couldn’t hurt.  This is a part of my continuing education, and I need to approach it as such, now my goal is to find a teacher or tutor who can help with my education. 
 
So, here are some of my experiences so far:
 
 Hephaistos:
Let it be known that full time school and work at the same time SUCKS. It made me edgy, crazy, and anxious.  I did it with flying colors, but DAMN. My first semester in school there was one boy in our class (eligible one that is), he would sit in the corner trying desperately to be quiet and invisible, but get so frustrated he would get up and dominate the class discussion each time.  Smart and nerdy, I was definitely intrigued.  After two more quarters I finally started to chat with him on facebook, and eventually asked him to coffee. (I am going to add in lots of my process and steps so you know exactly how not to date)
 
Our first meeting for coffee was a bit ridiculous.  We got so lost in conversation that the shop closed while we were in it and they had to kick us out.  Basically, at our first real encounter, I knew I really liked him, he’s sweet, funny, and we have a ton in common.  However, I immediately noticed that I was incredibly not attracted to him.  At all.  It was sad, here is a perfectly amazing man, and I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry.  Let’s all remember here, I am not looking for someone to marry, I am looking for someone to teach me the ways of a gorgeous sexual history. 
 
As of right now, four months later, we are still casually dating; twice I’ve let him put his arm around me.  I know, I’m pathetic.  He’s awesome, but he’s not for me.  I don’t want to hurt him, but he isn’t enough for me at the moment, and I am still looking around at the scenery for some kind of spark. 
 
More to come later.  Hephaistos is out of town for a few weeks, so we will see what kind of trouble I can get myself into.

How to beat down the crap.

OK, enough of the depression crap, right? Whose tired of hearing about it? Because I'm tired of it too!

So, here's my tip.

Step 1: pick an up beat song, I like Zorba's dance from Zorba the Greek (Best kick yourself in the ass and live lif to the fullest movie EVER). Fun pop songs are also choice.

Step 2: Press play.

Step 3: Arms up! Not just a little, like crazy over your head, I recommend you not lock your elbows.

Step 4: Start to move your shoulders,let your head and upper body move with your shoulders, once you start moving with the rhythm you are ready for step 5.

Step 5: Close your eyes. Please please make sure all furniture and obstacles are out of the way BEFORE you do this, injuries have been known to occur at this point.

At this point you should also be well past euphoria, If not, look in a mirror, because lets be honest, you probably look pretty silly, and if that doesn't make you laugh, then I don't know what will. Maybe start jumping, and bending funny ways.

That's my fun way of dealing with the Devil. Any other suggestions?

Also, listening to Lady Gaga is pretty hilarious, love her, but seriously, what the hell is she talking about?

The cycle

I am hopeless at this whole relationship stuff. I meet someone I like, and I think, hey, this is a nice eligible guy, why would he not like me as well? I live in an endless cycle of unrequited desire and love.

Last year at this time, I met a nice guy, hit it off, it seemed like it could have really worked and been something great. He was single, I was single, we got along, had everything in common, but nothing ever happened. I guess he liked my friend instead, when she refused him, he threw us both over and began dating someone else.

I met another guy, so sweet, so nice, got along even better with him...he was married.

I met another guy, a co-worker, and again, so right. Laughing, drinking, having a blast together. Someone I could seem myself settling down with, unfortunately, I was a few months too late, he had gotten engaged a month before I met him, and is now settled with someone else.

This is the endless cycle, I am doomed to repeat.

But maybe this time will be different, maybe this time it will all work out! Lets be honest, if I think any differently, or take a less optimistic mindset I may as well just crawl into a hole and stay there, because what would be the point? No being optimistic is my only option, I may keep getting beaten down but I am sticking to it, something is bound to happen if I keep at it, right?

How old were you?

Seriously, how old is too old to be a virgin?

Its gotten to the point that I just avoid the subject with my general friends, and if I am really hounded I've started to lie, but only if no one in the group knows any better. But I never, NEVER tell co-workers, for some reason, even if I am really close to my co-workers, its not something I want people I work with knowing.

Example:

I was at happy hour once with all my work collegues from a school I was teaching at when they started revealing the ages they lost their virginity.

"Oh I was 16!"
"I was 13!"
"Well, I waited until I was 17!"

Then it was my turn, and everyone slowly started facing me and staring me down, like this would be the best piece of information they would ever get me to spill. So, I lied.

"Uh, I waited until I was 23."

OK, its not a complete lie, I was 23 when I first ended up in bed with someone for a hot makeout session in which I promptly left once he fell asleep, it was the closest I have ever come, and probably the closest I'll get for the meantime. Lets say it was just fudging the truth a bit...right?

Well, after I heard their reactions, I've never been so relieved to have lied before in my life!

"Holy shit! you were 23! how did you wait that long!?"
"Geeze! Thats so old to be a virgin!"
"I can't believe you were 23!"

And you wonder why I don't tell the truth about it.

Its easy to get people to believe that I am not a virgin, because they assume that at my age I've had sex. Its just easier to let them believe. Because being a virgin doesn't affect the way I conduct myself at work, it doesn't affect my work ethic, I am a damn good employee, and a considerate co-worker. My sexual activities don't have any role in my workplace. And being a virgin doesn't make me innocent, and it doesn't mean I am naive or ignorant. I am open and adventurous. Just a normal woman, who hasn't been in a situation where she was comfortable enough to have sex.

What about you? How old were you?

Thena